The very last entry

Due to a recent breach of privacy, i will again move my blog elsewhere.

Thank you nosy relatives for stalking me.

Even my screen name will be changed. Dotsuchi will no longer be used (and i fuckkin love this name too)

Cibai lah.

When the new home is done, friends will be the first ones to know. All other fellow bloggers, i’ll comment your posts with my new blog add and well, link kan lah yeah *yes i’m not being subtle and i’m shameless. i’m gonna affiliate my baby with nuffnang so i need the traffic. :D*non friends but faithful readers, do drop me a line at dotsuchi@gmail.com and i’ll send you the link as well.. after i screen you of course.

warning, relatives in disguise will be shot and eaten.

but don’t be expecting the debut of the new blog soon. i’m busy stuffing my face with kuih raya.

Benci ah. Have to start everything from scratch again.

Bye WordPress :(( its been a sweet affair, but i just gotta dump you.*sedih dow*

Raya, yeay!

hey babies, am going back home tomorrow so i’ll be hiatus for about 3 weeks. you can reach me via text, phonecalls or you can teleport your ass down to my hometown and we can go yumcha (but only at decent hours because i still have curfew).

 gonna wish all of u a very happy hari raya aidilfitri, and makan banyak-banyak ok. dont let me be the only one overweight pada bulan depan. cis.

am not looking forward to this year’s raya to be honest. same old same old. nyeh. duit raya confirm takkan dapat, even though i am still not working. sigh.

ok well to those yang will have to go through massive traffic jams untuk balik kampung, banyak bersabar okay and drive well. dont be one of the statistics.

ah i’ll miss yous and i’ll miss blogging. when i can, i’ll update aight.

 so yeah, you babies take care. im gonna stuff my face with ciggies banyak banyak before balik :D

again, SELAMAT HARI RAYA and MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.

lovelovelove.

I’m going to pee right after this (topic not relevant to entry)

It’s 7.17am and i shouldn’t be smoking.

..

…..

………..

aiyak.

Statement yang sangat mengantoikan diri.

Exam is at 9 and 2.30.

My status on ym yesterday was “studying for tomorrow morning’s paper. the evening paper can go fuck itself.”

.. and i mean it!

Anyone has a problem with that will have to go through me, and I’m pretty hard to get through. Cause I’m TANGIBLE, bitch.

Muwahahahahahahahahahah.

Aih.

I need sleep.

Gimme More tommyknox99 :D

Because its exam week, i don’t really have ample time to blog about intelligent thoughts and lively perspective regarding world/society issues.

Although, i think i’d still be able to blog but just don’t be expecting long and complex narrations. Instead, be expecting lots up Youtube videos :DDD (youtube adalah among the sites i surf on during study breaks.)

Tonight’s video is of this dude rocking Britney’s new single’s ass off. I was pleasantly surprised since i thought he’d prolly sound homolicious because of his choice of cover song. On the contrary really, he sounds awesome and it helps that he’s gorgeous too :DD

I definitely like this song better when he sings it. So if you hear me screaming ‘Gimme More’, i would be singing to tommyknox99’s version. I have a thing for boys playing accoustic dengan gorengan guitar yang best :))

So enjoy yo. Seriously, take a listen.

(Ayat kaver: it’s not like its fucking amazing or anything, but it’s better than the original song. *shrugs*)

Gimme More (Acoustic Cover)

[ps: wish me luck, i'll be sitting for exam at 9am today. Carrying marks adalah 40 over 50. wahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahha.]

Kanak-kanak botak that amuse me

omg u guys. there’s this new malaysian animation that rocks ass!

by far the absolute best series our nation had ever come up with (well actually i don’t really know many others that i can compare with pun)

prolly uve seen it on the telly before, but this is my first time and i was blown away. the kids are so darn adorable, my uterus skips a bit everytime i watch them.

this program teaches kids the basic of puasa which i think is awesome. the characters have a natural feel to it and i can even relate them to myself mase kecik-kecik dulu. comel nak mati aa wey. not creepy and zombie-like like the rest of the animations we see on our local channels. boleh tak rase cam nak download? ah, how simple things can impress me.

woh, my anak buah will definitely love this.

i present to you, Upin dan Ipin @ chan 9

Best kan?

Ha.. betul betul betul!

:D

hope you enjoyed it as much as i did ;)

super thumbs up to the creators. you guys make us proud :)))

Insight of a Chunky Female

Ah *sheepish* some might prolly wonder if I had died. Nope, I’m still alive and well. Suffered a string of mental blocks the last few weeks, sorreh sorreh! But I’m back, well for now anyway and this will have to make do :P

Today’s entry is gonna be a little bit different. Instead of the usual incessant babble of bullshit, I’d like to enlighten you with a narration that could be considered as motivational even.

Topic today: Insight of a Chunky Female.

For half of my life I had thought myself as grossly overweight. When you are surrounded by girls way thinner than you are, you can’t help but make comparisons. And with the society urging every breathing woman to lose weight and all that jazz, the already low self esteem continues to plunge downwards into the abyss.

I am about 5’5ft/170cm. Woh. Yeah, I’m pretty tall for a local chick, I get that my whole life so you don’t have to tell me twice. Since kindergarten I’d be at the end of girl’s line and not too often was I proud of it. Sometimes I’d pretended I was a giant looking down (literally) at the rest of the class, just to make fun of myself. Yeah. Good times.

I’ve done many things to shed off the kilos for the past few years, from throwing up, starving myself, pills, organic seeds and foul concoctions and even exercising. Some of them worked, some of them didn’t- obviously those that did didn’t have the long term effect as one may desires. I am still bigger than most. Even my family teases me mercilessly since back then til now, pressuring me constantly to go on diets and exercise. They instilled in me the notion that if I was thin like my sister/mother, I would finally be pretty. Don’t get me wrong, their intentions are good but I just can’t live up to their expectation (psysically).

It finally occurred to me today however that I may have vigorously attempted to lose weight but I had not given second thoughts in trying to make myself happy. All this while my logic was that if I were skinny, I would be happy. Ergo, I should loose a few kilos in order to be happy.

What I didn’t realized though, that at a subconscious level, I AM already happy. I am healthy and so-so fit (minus the fact that I can’t run very fast), I have awesome friends who like me for myself and not my weight, I mingle well socially with just my wit and whatever scraps of intelligence that I may have to offer, my boyfriend absofuckkinlutely adores me, I dress presentably and I have a fairly healthy sex life. Oh, and my breasts are full and yummeh, if I may say so myself. Thinking over, I love who I am right now. Okay well maybe not physically (nor financially but that’s another topic altogether), but mentally and emotionally, I think I’m pretty content.

So why should I put myself through such torture? I asked myself this a few moments ago during my mystical revelation; what are the benefits of being thinner? I came up with a series of possible answers which are,

1) More people will like me

2) I can wear clothes that are the same sizes as my friends

3) Even more people will like me

Basically it all comes down to the need of wanting to be socially acceptable. This is funny because if others can’t live with the fact that I am big, then they are quite the shallow lot and have the mental capacities of peanuts. Why in the world would I want to be acceptable in that kind of circle?

It’s an epiphany.

Love thyself. I’ve heard these 2 words too many times, my ears bled and it didn’t make any sense to me. But now it does! Yeah I’m prolly a walking cliché now but I do understand the true meaning of the corny tagline and I’m happy. Cliché tak cliché, I AM happy :)) *rainbows*

Granted, I do have some wobbly bits here and there, cellulites raging vengeance upon my translucent thighs, gigantic ass and a couple of the good ol spare tires. But that just mean I need to tone up the sleeping muscles, not kill myself trying to achieve something that is not meant to be. This realization is like a burden has been lifted off my plump shoulders.

My tops are in size UK 12, my lower attire is in size UK 14 and I don’t give a monkey’s whiskers (anymore). I’m 5’5ft, and I’m a gorgeous confident giant. Teehee.

Oh and looking at these pictures helps tremendously :) 2 different girls in the exact same outfit. (okay fine, the first girl doesn’t look that heavy but she’s a UK 12, 71 kg, so you get my point)

 

“I am all curves and flesh, not skin and bone. Boys, who would you rather snuggle up to?”

I sincerely hope that whoever out there who have struggled with their physiques regardless of whatever shapes or sizes (but still healthy), take a moment and think about all the good things in your life and how those things have NOTHING to do with your weight.

Anyway, to wrap up the whole inspiring speech, this is the real deal conclusion that I’ve come up with;-

I don’t want to be skinny.

I only want to be ME.

Sorry and Thank You: Magik Words

Why is it so hard for some people to say those words? I am not being sarcastic; I’m naturally and honestly puzzled. Sarcasm will come later in the entry. Wait for it.

Baru je tadi I came back from a dinner date and nak naik lift. There was this chick lugging around 4 big bags with her. She asked us *correction* we offered to press kan the 3^rd floor button so we did, nothing to it. And then she smiled and said thank you, so we smiled right back, indicating our appreciation to her gesture of gratitude. Then when dah sampai her floor, she looked at us and thanked us again, still smiling and went off.

I was uplifted. It felt good though I really can’t explain why. Funny how the mere 2 words could make me feel warm and well, gloriously pleasant.

I may say these words a tad too often sometimes, but I really do mean them. Thank you and I’m sorry. How hard is that? Some people really couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts when they hear these words, and these people are usually the ones yang amat lah berat mulut nak say the exact same word to other people as well. Kenapa?

Adakah turun martabat anda untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata tersebut?

Hina sangat ke nak berterima kasih and nak cakap sorry?

Is it a bloody challenge for you to admit your mistakes?

Tinggi mana wey your ego sampai susah sangat nak sebut?

Is saying thanks considered as a paramount sign of a weakness?

Atau..

Parents tak pernah ajar?

These past few days I have had encounters with several of these courtesy deficit syndrome species. Daripada mende kecik ke mende besar, daripada just tolong bukakkan pintu untuk orang lalu to slaving myself over someone else’s work. Boleh kira ngan jari aa orang say thanks and give apologies.

I wasn’t asking for a Halmark card ke, surat formal ke, or a goddamn bouquet.

Sorry and thank you sudah cukup memadai.

Whenever somebody rightfully says these word to me, sejuk hati tau tak. Such simple words can leave an everlasting effect okay, remember that. Buat cost benefit analysis please; ask yourself this whenever you find yourself kelu lidah untuk berterima kasih or mununjukkan kekesalan.

What is the cost of you having excellent manners?

NONE. (you can’t put a price tag on being polite)

What is the potential benefit?

ENORMOUS RETURN. Both ways. (if you don’t get it, ask, I’ll explain later.)

And and banyak kali gak I meet people who when at the receiving end of good manners gestures/remarks, they don’t know how to respond. Thus, buat buat tak dengar/ buat bodo. These people lak membuat kan hati terguris and adela rase cam nak merajuk tanak be polite ever again.

But then I thought, in this country dah melampau banyak orang yang lack social grace, and mereka adalah keji, so why join this uncivilized circle. Kan? And besides, refer to ENORMOUS RETURN. It may happen, it may not. But the way I see it, at least if the other person appreciates it, I’ll be a reason why he/she feels good, even for a moment. Worth it, and why the ding dong hell not??

The funny thing is, most of these people that I’ve met adalah Melayu, bangsa yang dikatakan kaya dengan ADAB.

Something to think about.

Thank you babies for reading this, and I’m sorry if ada sape-sape terasa.

See, it didn’t kill me.

(on another complete different matter *nak gedik kejap*, i got an A for my presentation earlier this evening. Bwahahahahahhah! I paid my dues dammit! i deserve that A!)

Amuknya seorang lecturer

Hari ini dalam sejarah:

Kena sound by the lecturer in front of the whole tutorial Accounting class.

The kata-kata pedas did not come unwarranted. Served me right for missing too many of her classes. Mane laa nak tau I was already a target. Been laying low ape all this while.

I wished the ground would have cracked open and swallowed me whole right then and there. Nama penuh ku disebut berulang kali dengan nada yang amat bengis. It was a full frontal attack, buku pun baru je dibuka dah kena panggil for the first question.

“*Dotsuchi! Answer question three!”

Wha..? Apekah?! I kaget ok. Dah la tutorial tak buat (i was extra busy last night). Menggelupur kejap selak-selak buku mane tau dengan magik nye tuhan nak tolong so ade jawapan terselit ke.

“*Dotsuchi! What is the answer for the question? HMMMM??”

ohfakohfakohfakohfakohfakohfakohfakohfak

“Uhhhhh.. I’m sorry miss, I don’t know the answer :(”

“Ha. Why you don’t know the answer?? Because you didn’t come for class for awhile. When there’s quiz baru nak datang is it!”

… *kedengaran sayup sayup dendang cengkerik*

Now what was i suppose to reply to that, seriously. I don’t even think it was a question. Kang if i say anything akan dituduh menjawab. But she kept on eyeballing me expecting me to say something.

My mouth opened, just to snap shut a few seconds after. Then it opened again. I looked like a dumbfounded goldfish. No words came out because i knew nothing i say could get me out of the mess so i continued the silence. Every pair of eyes burned holes through my being.

Shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit

“You come to class only to sit for the quiz. I should have barred you but I did not!”

Oh blardy fuck. Tak habis lagi dowwwwwwwwww. aaaaaaaa.

“HA *DOTSUCHI!”

Ya Allah, dah lee tuuuuu.. nak terkencing dah niii. :((((

The whole class was extremely silent, it was as if everyone was holding their breath, too afraid to suck in the air that was contaminated by my public degradation. If you’d listen close, you could here the angels were weeping sympathetically. After what seemed like an eternity, the moment finally passed. I was off the hook but not before the lecturer gave me a very very dirty and disgusted look that left me feeling shattered and ashamed.

Habis aa mati aa fail aa final ni kene bar aa camni mati aa habis aaa fail aa mati aa camne niii

Throughout the whole tutorial session my mind raced on how to rectify my troubled situation. I mentally flogged myself for being a complete jackass for not finding time the night before to buat tutorial. At least if i could answer the question, takde aa nampak teruk sangat kan.

I blame my off the roof stress level and screaming hormones for the tears that mula berkumpul dikelopak mata. Oh that’s awesome. Menangis. That would definitely tone down the stares. After awhile I managed to control myself and regain my composure.

I know what you’re thinking. Ek eleh. Buat bodoh dah la. Drama apsal.

Well let me tell you why the drama ok. I have no friends in the class so i was pretty much on my own (sad), I worked really hard to get high marks for the midterm, I DO NOT want to be barred cause i will muntah darah if i have to take this subject again, I am a newbie when it comes to being blatantly subjected to such mortification.

So anyway, after the class and the quiz, i lurked around the hallway waiting for all the other kids to file out. When the room was devoid of spectators (except for one kid) I apologized profusely. Entah ape aku merepek dah tak ingat dah. I do remember she mentioned that the reason she opted against barring me was because my carrying marks was high (woopwoop). Blah blah blah, I was forgiven. Woh. That wasn’t too bad.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you miss kerana memaafkan insan yang lemah ini!

So to those yang tanak go through what I’ve been through, moral of the story is; for the subjects yang you know in your heart that u patut kena bar, just drop them.

Great. Classmates will prolly start referring to me as ‘the girl yang buat lecturer mengamuk’.

Best.

Yeah lesson learned. Tak ponteng dah. Serious.

Attention ALL Friends.

(It took me 2 hours to write this entry because at the same time, I was critically analyzing myself and the predicament I am in. So pardon the riddled paragraphs, my thoughts were tangled in a huge dark mess.)

 

“Sorry aaa, I busy giler dow.”

I’ve been exhausting this sentence for the past few months. I used it so often it barely makes any sense to my own ears now. But this does not make it any less true.

I have been neglecting my responsibility towards my loved ones and I know some have begun to feel the tiny pricks of rejection and hurt.

“Sorry aaa, I busy giler dow.”

I resent having to utter these words myself. I honestly do. But this does not make it any less true.

It’s a revelation. I never realized that by being buried under piles and piles of work would turn me into a recluse. I don’t enjoy isolation but yet I don’t crave human contact as much as I thought I would.

I want to make it up to those I’ve rejected but this feeling is not aligned with my needs and wants. It’s a pesky paradox I can’t understand. I guess I fear for my momentum. It’s barely enough to get me by, and I am helplessly afraid that if I mess it up, I might lose it completely.

“Sorry aaa, I busy giler dow.”

Currently, my social life revolves around those who are closest to me. And by that I mean in terms of proximity. And by close I mean within 5 meters radius. I make plans only with those nearby and I can see my other friendships suffers from this.

It’s weird. I want to call other people to join me but my phone would be left untouched in my back pocket. It’s almost as if I’m punishing myself; if I don’t get any work done, I don’t deserve the luxury of friends.

But then again, the plans are nothing to be bragged about. They only rotate around necessities like going out for lunch and dinner. Come to think of it, I have not gone out to just lepak in ages.

Holy hell.

My life officially sucks.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I’m very truly sorry. For all the broken appointments, the missed and forgotten birthdays, the hollow promises and the whole neglecting issue.

I wish I could offer you more but right now I physically and emotionally can’t and I really have no idea when I can make amends. I want to; I fucking fucking fucking do, but not just yet.

If you guys call yourself friends, please understand. I did not forget you, I did not choose other people over you, and I did not deliberately reject you. I’m feeling horrible enough as it is, tis almost fucking poetic.

“Sorry aaa, I busy giler dow.”

Babies I mean it, right from the bottom of my heart.

:( [updated]

assignment banyak nak mati.

1. Consumer Behavior presentation - next Tuesday *tamat and dapat A. wohohohoho

2. Accounting assignment - next Friday

3. Seminar in Web Marketing report - tomorrow *selamat siap at 9pm tadi. hohohoho.

4. Seminar in Web Marketing presentation - this Saturday *done and telah dikerah jadi MC bersama wani. twas interesting.

5. Strategic Management presentation (report with TEN journals to read) - next Friday *under serious contemplation of dropping because melampau banyak keje, can’t possibly contribute in this assgmnt. Most prolly tak drop and take final exam with low carrying marks and berserah. *cries*

6. Marketing Research assignment - less than 3 weeks from now

7. Industrial Marketing assignment - tomorrow *done!8. Accounting quiz - tomorrow *done! theres a story that comes with this. will blog about it later.

[*editted: Tambah TWO more assignments. yay! Digital Media both. Not sure when is the dateline *eep!* Will ask Sri about this. ]

Kalau tak lagi banyak ok, lain dah buat. it seems as if sume assignments tak habis habis. Fucking endless. Ni nasib baik ade a few dah settled (not included in the list) and the last midterm was last night.

Ah dammit. Diajak main go cart laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!

:(((((((((((((((((((((

nak main go cart :((((((

nak main helicopter :((((((((

kenape sekarang kenapeee kenapeeeeeeeeeeeeee kenapeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!111!1!!dotsuchi!!1!!!!

i’m sure sometime this week akan menghadapi breakdown, just like every other sem. wait for it babies. i feel it coming.

*genuinely nak nangis*

:(